'They're not laughing now ...' | UK news
UK news This article is more than 20 years old'They're not laughing now ...'
This article is more than 20 years oldOn receiving an OBE from the Queen:
It was a disaster. I never thought she'd trip and fall like that.
The last time I was in Spain I got through six Jeffrey Archer novels. I must remember to take enough toilet paper next time.
I remember when safe sex was a padded headboard.
I want to die like my father, peacefully in his sleep, not screaming and terrified, like his passengers.
Personally, I don't think there's intelligent life on other planets. Why should other planets be different from this one?
I can still enjoy sex at 74 - I live at 76, so it's no distance.
I tend to sleep in the nude. Which isn't a bad thing except for maybe on those long flights.
On hearing the phone:
Now if that's my wife ... tell her I'm washing my hair.
My wife said: "Can my mother come down for the weekend?" So I said: "Why?" And she said: "Well, she's been up on the roof two weeks already."
Silence is not only golden, it is seldom misquoted.
When I first said I wanted to be a comedian, everybody laughed. They're not laughing now.
At the end of the booking I went to a game park. I saw a wild animal coming fast towards me. It was a woman on a Vespa with a telegram offering me a week at the Palladium.
You can call me Bob. Better still, you can call me after six o'clock.
Marriage is an investment that pays dividends if you pay interest.
A tomcat hijacked a plane, stuck a pistol into the pilot's ribs and demanded: "Take me to the canaries."
What's a geriatric? A German footballer scoring three goals.
My mother tried to kill me when I was a baby. She denied it. She said she thought the plastic bag would keep me fresh.
How can we expect a politician to believe in the wisdom of the people when he knows it was the people who voted him in?
What do gardeners do when they retire?
I'm not saying my wife's a bad cook, but she uses a smoke alarm as a timer.
I spilt some stain remover on my sleeve. How do you get that out?
Real happiness is when you marry a girl for love and find out later she has money.
(On his own illness) I saw a specialist who asked me: "Are you familiar with the phrase faecal impaction?" I said I think I saw that one with Glenn Close and Michael Douglas.
When the inventor of the drawing board messed things up, what did he go back to?
I'd never be unfaithful to my wife for the reason that I love my house very much.
People always say: "You're a comedian, tell us a joke." They don't say: "You're an MP, tell us a lie."
Where do the homeless have 90% of their accidents?
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